Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
OK so I made it most of the weekend without smoking!! Friday I had to go shopping for the weekend. What's funny is that I though if I can get what I need and if there's money afterward I'll get some beer and smokes. Well I was able to scrounge and get what I needed cheap enough to get the smokes and beer. Though I have not had a smoke since sat. morning! Even though I failed for part of the weekend I at least did good for the rest of it!
Love is the law love under will.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
1-08-10
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
Liber Resh has been going well...somewhat that is. This is my first day without a cigarette. This weekend will be interesting. No smoking and no drinking! I won't beat my self up if I do not practice meditation or Liber Resh. I'll be way to edgy to concentrate anyway!
Love is the law love under will.
Liber Resh has been going well...somewhat that is. This is my first day without a cigarette. This weekend will be interesting. No smoking and no drinking! I won't beat my self up if I do not practice meditation or Liber Resh. I'll be way to edgy to concentrate anyway!
Love is the law love under will.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
1-07-10
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
Mini victory today! Remembered to do Liber Resh this morning and at noon! Plus I tried out my meditation stool a little bit. It's not much but it's a start!
OK looks like today is the day I have to quite smoking and drinking. I only have four cigarettes left and no money to buy more or to buy any beer. Well what little money I do have I need to grocery shop for my kids when they come over this weekend. Trust me I already thought about using it for beer and cigarettes and just see if some one could lend me some money for the weekend! Jesus that seems so horrible when I read that!
It's funny. With no phone, no tv and no internet I thought I would feel depressed as hell! Like what kind of loser can't even pay for those things?!?! But I actually feel kind of excited. Don't ask me why 'cause I have no clue!!
Today I feel like I am slowly making progress. Before I can really start on the path I just need to get some shit together.
Today on my way into work I was listening to a tape from the Theosophical Society. It was about mysticism in the worlds religions. It was pretty nice to hear. It seems that regardless of the dogma and the customs when it comes to the heart of it religions are pretty similar. It was nice to just listen to something like that. I don't know why and I don't know why I even bothered to write about it. Something about the mystical experience seems just so universal. Now I feel lame. :)
Another thing. I am so tired of hate and anger. I was a very angry kid. I've mellowed out quite a bit as I have gotten older. But with all the things that have happened to me over the last year all that hate and anger came back! Today I was talking with my children's mother. She told me how the weekend would go. She would drop off my youngest while my oldest would go to a sleep over.The next day my youngest would go swimming with my oldest and her friend. It was her friends sister's birthday party. It was like a punch to the stomach! I love spending time with my kids! I don't get to see them much so it really makes me angry when something cuts into my time with them! Their mother explained that she had told me about this three weeks ago. I kinda remember the conversation. I would never say no to my girls. I wouldn't want them to miss out on something like that! No matter how much it sucks for me. So I began to raise my voice a little to their mother. Who responded by acting like she didn't care. Now this was bullshit. Even though we talked about this weeks ago I wanted to hurt her! I wanted her to know how I felt! But I quickly realized that this was fruitless. I'm not mad at their mother, and I'm not mad at the kids. In fact I'm not mad at anyone. I was just hurt. That is something that I need to deal with. So I called their mother back. And told her how I felt. She was immediatley sympathetic. When I cut out the bull shit and was just open and honest things turned out better. This is another bad habit...anger...I just need to let it go!
Love is the law love under will.
Mini victory today! Remembered to do Liber Resh this morning and at noon! Plus I tried out my meditation stool a little bit. It's not much but it's a start!
OK looks like today is the day I have to quite smoking and drinking. I only have four cigarettes left and no money to buy more or to buy any beer. Well what little money I do have I need to grocery shop for my kids when they come over this weekend. Trust me I already thought about using it for beer and cigarettes and just see if some one could lend me some money for the weekend! Jesus that seems so horrible when I read that!
It's funny. With no phone, no tv and no internet I thought I would feel depressed as hell! Like what kind of loser can't even pay for those things?!?! But I actually feel kind of excited. Don't ask me why 'cause I have no clue!!
Today I feel like I am slowly making progress. Before I can really start on the path I just need to get some shit together.
Today on my way into work I was listening to a tape from the Theosophical Society. It was about mysticism in the worlds religions. It was pretty nice to hear. It seems that regardless of the dogma and the customs when it comes to the heart of it religions are pretty similar. It was nice to just listen to something like that. I don't know why and I don't know why I even bothered to write about it. Something about the mystical experience seems just so universal. Now I feel lame. :)
Another thing. I am so tired of hate and anger. I was a very angry kid. I've mellowed out quite a bit as I have gotten older. But with all the things that have happened to me over the last year all that hate and anger came back! Today I was talking with my children's mother. She told me how the weekend would go. She would drop off my youngest while my oldest would go to a sleep over.The next day my youngest would go swimming with my oldest and her friend. It was her friends sister's birthday party. It was like a punch to the stomach! I love spending time with my kids! I don't get to see them much so it really makes me angry when something cuts into my time with them! Their mother explained that she had told me about this three weeks ago. I kinda remember the conversation. I would never say no to my girls. I wouldn't want them to miss out on something like that! No matter how much it sucks for me. So I began to raise my voice a little to their mother. Who responded by acting like she didn't care. Now this was bullshit. Even though we talked about this weeks ago I wanted to hurt her! I wanted her to know how I felt! But I quickly realized that this was fruitless. I'm not mad at their mother, and I'm not mad at the kids. In fact I'm not mad at anyone. I was just hurt. That is something that I need to deal with. So I called their mother back. And told her how I felt. She was immediatley sympathetic. When I cut out the bull shit and was just open and honest things turned out better. This is another bad habit...anger...I just need to let it go!
Love is the law love under will.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
1-6-10
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
I feel pretty depressed today. I used to get so excited when it was time to head home from work. Maybe because I'd indulge in my crappy habits. Now there's not much to do. I realize that soon there will be even less to do once I quite smoking. My life is full of addictions! Thankfully not the drug kind. As I'm pulling out of certain activities and behaviour I can recognize the symptoms of withdrawl and I know that it will only get worse. I did come across a great quote by Lon Milo Duquette in his Magick of Thelema:
I think that these few sentences really make the point that I have been trying to make these past few day. My life is a series of unwilled acts. I have become so accustomed to these that it's hard to break free. What makes it even harder is that I really will end up doing this alone. Now I will have the support of my family and friends when it comes to breaking my bad habits they just won't understand when it comes time to build my self up. This puts me on a different spiritual path than most of the other people I know. I think we have all had the strange looks when we talk about Thelema!
I don't mind having to do it alone. Well I do plan on joining the local O.T.O. body here in Chicago so I hope that I can find some people in there who can offer some guidance.
You know when I was on the way to work today I had considered what it would take to become a counselor. I would love to offer my services to people at no charge who are going through similar things to me. There is no doubt that it is very stressful and often people have gone through a lot of emotional distress which may have caused them to go on the path or may be a result traveling on the path. I did see something that the ECG was really taking the needs of its members seriously. I think it was some seminar that addressed the emotional well being of it's members which I thought was so great! Well anyway it was just an idea.
Love is the law love under will.
I feel pretty depressed today. I used to get so excited when it was time to head home from work. Maybe because I'd indulge in my crappy habits. Now there's not much to do. I realize that soon there will be even less to do once I quite smoking. My life is full of addictions! Thankfully not the drug kind. As I'm pulling out of certain activities and behaviour I can recognize the symptoms of withdrawl and I know that it will only get worse. I did come across a great quote by Lon Milo Duquette in his Magick of Thelema:
Conversley any unwilled action is an unmagical act: reaching for a cigarette; ordering that fourth Martini; or any habitual or reactive behavior that overrides the momentum of one's life focus could fall into the category of an unmagical act.
I think that these few sentences really make the point that I have been trying to make these past few day. My life is a series of unwilled acts. I have become so accustomed to these that it's hard to break free. What makes it even harder is that I really will end up doing this alone. Now I will have the support of my family and friends when it comes to breaking my bad habits they just won't understand when it comes time to build my self up. This puts me on a different spiritual path than most of the other people I know. I think we have all had the strange looks when we talk about Thelema!
I don't mind having to do it alone. Well I do plan on joining the local O.T.O. body here in Chicago so I hope that I can find some people in there who can offer some guidance.
You know when I was on the way to work today I had considered what it would take to become a counselor. I would love to offer my services to people at no charge who are going through similar things to me. There is no doubt that it is very stressful and often people have gone through a lot of emotional distress which may have caused them to go on the path or may be a result traveling on the path. I did see something that the ECG was really taking the needs of its members seriously. I think it was some seminar that addressed the emotional well being of it's members which I thought was so great! Well anyway it was just an idea.
Love is the law love under will.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
1-5-10
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law
Man I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! I don't know why. I was drinking quite a bit last night. It's funny, I always need something to occupy me. Typically I sit on my ass play on the internet, watch t.v., talk on the phone, drink and smoke at the same time. Well now that I don't have cable or internet it's making me kinda crazy! It's hitting me that I need to change so much in my life. It makes me almost panic! as a result it makes me want to do those typical things even more!
I know that I need to make changes but I really am addicted to my way of life. For instance money is going to be very tight. I need to start bringing my lunches to work. So what did I do this morning instead of making my sandwiches? I sat my butt on the couch watching a DVD of Reno 911 because I didn't want to get up and make a sandwich! I bought my lunch from a 7/11!!
I do feel that being healthy and happy is key to any kind of spiritual development. How can I expect any progress if I try and avoid work, chores, saving money, losing weight, quite smoking, cut down on drinking. How can a person who regularly acts that way expect any form of growth?
It's funny. Last week I had this great plan to transform my apartment! I was going to fill it with books pertaining to the occult, great magickal statues and strange images. I was going to turn one of the empty bedrooms into a temple! I was going to have the coolest magickal bachelor pad! This is typical of me. Instead of changing my life and creating some real progress just spend money I don't have and make it 'look' like I made real progress! Luckily I came to my senses the other day. With my last paycheck I ordered a meditation chair from eBay. What I think I want to do is set aside a small amount of time everyday for meditation. Ideally the same time. I will spend some of my next paycheck on some of my favorite incense and these meditation bells from Tibet. What I want to do is use the sound of the bell and the smell of the incense to transform my mindset. Kind of like Pavlov's Dogs when they heard the bell they would salivate. If I go through the same 'ritual' with the incense and the bell over and over I hope that it will have the same effect. Sounds more rational than spending a fortune just trying to look like a successful magickian.
Love is the law love under will.
Man I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! I don't know why. I was drinking quite a bit last night. It's funny, I always need something to occupy me. Typically I sit on my ass play on the internet, watch t.v., talk on the phone, drink and smoke at the same time. Well now that I don't have cable or internet it's making me kinda crazy! It's hitting me that I need to change so much in my life. It makes me almost panic! as a result it makes me want to do those typical things even more!
I know that I need to make changes but I really am addicted to my way of life. For instance money is going to be very tight. I need to start bringing my lunches to work. So what did I do this morning instead of making my sandwiches? I sat my butt on the couch watching a DVD of Reno 911 because I didn't want to get up and make a sandwich! I bought my lunch from a 7/11!!
I do feel that being healthy and happy is key to any kind of spiritual development. How can I expect any progress if I try and avoid work, chores, saving money, losing weight, quite smoking, cut down on drinking. How can a person who regularly acts that way expect any form of growth?
It's funny. Last week I had this great plan to transform my apartment! I was going to fill it with books pertaining to the occult, great magickal statues and strange images. I was going to turn one of the empty bedrooms into a temple! I was going to have the coolest magickal bachelor pad! This is typical of me. Instead of changing my life and creating some real progress just spend money I don't have and make it 'look' like I made real progress! Luckily I came to my senses the other day. With my last paycheck I ordered a meditation chair from eBay. What I think I want to do is set aside a small amount of time everyday for meditation. Ideally the same time. I will spend some of my next paycheck on some of my favorite incense and these meditation bells from Tibet. What I want to do is use the sound of the bell and the smell of the incense to transform my mindset. Kind of like Pavlov's Dogs when they heard the bell they would salivate. If I go through the same 'ritual' with the incense and the bell over and over I hope that it will have the same effect. Sounds more rational than spending a fortune just trying to look like a successful magickian.
Love is the law love under will.
Monday, January 4, 2010
1-4-10
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
Figures. Once I decided on doing this little project my Internet gets shut off! Oh well!
Well it's a new year. Practicing the solar adoration's did not go well. I kept forgetting! For the next few months I want to keep my practices simple: meditation, visualization, solar adoration's, and LBRP.
Love is the law love under will.
Figures. Once I decided on doing this little project my Internet gets shut off! Oh well!
Well it's a new year. Practicing the solar adoration's did not go well. I kept forgetting! For the next few months I want to keep my practices simple: meditation, visualization, solar adoration's, and LBRP.
Love is the law love under will.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
12-31-2009
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
Woke up at 6am feeling hung over...strange thing is that I didn't drink last night. My life centers around my couch. There's a stack of book, plates, empty beers bottle and an ash tray. Kinda gross. I know that I need to change my life. Today is as good a day as any! Well maybe tomorrow. After all today is New Years Eve and there's plenty of drinking to do tonight!!
I'm a man of instant gratification. I'm tired I want to lay down NOW!, I'm hungry I want food and FAST! I'm bored gimme some beer NOW!! I'm horny I want my pron NOW! As a result my life has been greatly centered around satisfying these urges. What I realize is that I need to make changes. Before I gave up on my magickal studies I became obsessed with Aleister Crowley. Of course when I was younger I used him as an example of how one can indulge in excess while still maintaining a spiritual life. I think this is something many occultists and Thelemites do. Well I never knew that man but I'm sure that he had his share of struggle balancing the two. Plus I'm not him. I cannot balance the two. I don't have the will power that he had. I need to change my foundation.
This is a tricky thing. We all have a foundation in our lives. For some it's religion and philosophy. For others (like me) it's the path of instant gratification. I'm addicted to t.v. the internet or any other sensory indulgence. In fact today we have more distractions then ever before. As a result being spiritual is harder than ever before. This foundation that we all have built our lives on is very important. How do we switch the foundation without collapsing the tower? or maybe we should collapse the tower?
So what sort of practice will I begin today? I think I'll start with Liber Resh vel Helios. I've always enjoyed practicing this. Well it's closer too noon so I guess I'll start then.
Love is the law, love under will.
Woke up at 6am feeling hung over...strange thing is that I didn't drink last night. My life centers around my couch. There's a stack of book, plates, empty beers bottle and an ash tray. Kinda gross. I know that I need to change my life. Today is as good a day as any! Well maybe tomorrow. After all today is New Years Eve and there's plenty of drinking to do tonight!!
I'm a man of instant gratification. I'm tired I want to lay down NOW!, I'm hungry I want food and FAST! I'm bored gimme some beer NOW!! I'm horny I want my pron NOW! As a result my life has been greatly centered around satisfying these urges. What I realize is that I need to make changes. Before I gave up on my magickal studies I became obsessed with Aleister Crowley. Of course when I was younger I used him as an example of how one can indulge in excess while still maintaining a spiritual life. I think this is something many occultists and Thelemites do. Well I never knew that man but I'm sure that he had his share of struggle balancing the two. Plus I'm not him. I cannot balance the two. I don't have the will power that he had. I need to change my foundation.
This is a tricky thing. We all have a foundation in our lives. For some it's religion and philosophy. For others (like me) it's the path of instant gratification. I'm addicted to t.v. the internet or any other sensory indulgence. In fact today we have more distractions then ever before. As a result being spiritual is harder than ever before. This foundation that we all have built our lives on is very important. How do we switch the foundation without collapsing the tower? or maybe we should collapse the tower?
So what sort of practice will I begin today? I think I'll start with Liber Resh vel Helios. I've always enjoyed practicing this. Well it's closer too noon so I guess I'll start then.
Love is the law, love under will.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)