1-07-10

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

Mini victory today! Remembered to do Liber Resh this morning and at noon! Plus I tried out my meditation stool a little bit. It's not much but it's a start!

OK looks like today is the day I have to quite smoking and drinking. I only have four cigarettes left and no money to buy more or to buy any beer. Well what little money I do have I need to grocery shop for my kids when they come over this weekend. Trust me I already thought about using it for beer and cigarettes and just see if some one could lend me some money for the weekend! Jesus that seems so horrible when I read that!

It's funny. With no phone, no tv and no internet I thought I would feel depressed as hell! Like what kind of loser can't even pay for those things?!?! But I actually feel kind of excited. Don't ask me why 'cause I have no clue!!

Today I feel like I am slowly making progress. Before I can really start on the path I just need to get some shit together.

Today on my way into work I was listening to a tape from the Theosophical Society. It was about mysticism in the worlds religions. It was pretty nice to hear. It seems that regardless of the dogma and the customs when it comes to the heart of it religions are pretty similar. It was nice to just listen to something like that. I don't know why and I don't know why I even bothered to write about it. Something about the mystical experience seems just so universal. Now I feel lame. :)

Another thing. I am so tired of hate and anger. I was a very angry kid. I've mellowed out quite a bit as I have gotten older. But with all the things that have happened to me over the last year all that hate and anger came back! Today I was talking with my children's mother. She told me how the weekend would go. She would drop off my youngest while my oldest would go to a sleep over.The next day my youngest would go swimming with my oldest and her friend. It was her friends sister's birthday party. It was like a punch to the stomach! I love spending time with my kids! I don't get to see them much so it really makes me angry when something cuts into my time with them! Their mother explained that she had told me about this three weeks ago. I kinda remember the conversation. I would never say no to my girls. I wouldn't want them to miss out on something like that! No matter how much it sucks for me. So I began to raise my voice a little to their mother. Who responded by acting like she didn't care. Now this was bullshit. Even though we talked about this weeks ago I wanted to hurt her! I wanted her to know how I felt! But I quickly realized that this was fruitless. I'm not mad at their mother, and I'm not mad at the kids. In fact I'm not mad at anyone. I was just hurt. That is something that I need to deal with. So I called their mother back. And told her how I felt. She was immediatley sympathetic. When I cut out the bull shit and was just open and honest things turned out better. This is another bad habit...anger...I just need to let it go!

Love is the law love under will.